Couragement

I've been thinking about the word courage--not because I have it, necessarily, but because it holds together two opposing words: en-courage-ment and dis-courage-ment.  

I've been feeling both this last two weeks, and if I have not posted it's because I am stuck between them, in a state of what I, word-nerd and renegade, have begun to think of as couragement.

I am encouraged because my smile is bigger, but discouraged because my the right side of my face looks slacker. 

I am encouraged because because my eye blinks and closes, but discouraged because it's still not right--and it feels dry and gelatinous, like it should look like one of those gross Halloween eyeballs. 

I am encouraged because I can do more each day, but discouraged because the following day inevitably has me doing less.

I am encouraged because taking daily walks has made me less fretful, but discouraged because the cold makes my frozen face ache and pulse. 

I am encouraged because my body is healing, but discouraged because I cannot tell if it is healed--is this it? 

I am encouraged because God has truly demonstrated his faithfulness, and discouraged because I still want more.  

I am encouraged by the (not accidental) fact that every single devotion and Bible study I have done in the last two weeks have been about waiting, but discouraged because I cannot feel joy in the waiting--that I do not even precisely know what I am waiting for.